You head downstairs for some breakfast, all the while trying to make some sort of sense of the images that filled your mind the previous night: Why did Emma love me so much in the dream world when she is so scared of me in reality? Why was I so successful in my imagination when the truth is that most people find my writing lacks depth and is really just a way of me expressing my bitterness to the rest of the human race? Could I, if I shaved, ditched my glasses and slicked back my hair, look enough like Daniel Radcliffe to be invited round to a Harry Potter get together and finally be close enough to exact my revenge?
Unfortunately none of these questions are answerable by your meager mind so you take the obvious next step: Google. The pity is that when you type in 'What do my dreams mean?' on Google you forget for a minute that no-one actually knows and that the people who are pretending to are really properly mental and should likely be locked away for even attempting to decipher something that they have no actual understanding of. What's worse is that when I typed in 'What did my dream about Emma Watson mean?' I found a website full of other people who'd had the exact same question. Freaks.
I decided my best option would be to completely ignore the wackjobs on the internet and become a wackjob of the internet myself. Behold my definitions of the most popular dreams.
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| He had a dream. It was that he owned a better fitting suit. |
ABANDONMENT
Did you dream that you were all alone? It's likely because deep down you know your friends all hate you and conspire against you behind your back. Burn them.
BABIES
Babies are a symbol of youth and innocence. Or, perhaps you were just hungry when you went to bed. Next time try an evening snack to quell your cravings. Anything other than cheese should be fine or you might start dreaming that it's the baby eating you.
DEATH
Death dreams are a sign that you should start looking both ways before you cross the road. If you are a cyclist you should definitely run more red lights because you absolutely deserve to die for being an ignorant self obsessed arsehole who thinks you have the right of way over other traffic when you don't, you bastards.
FLYING
I dreamed of flying once and then I woke up and it turned out I couldn't fly at all and fell to my death attempting a risky cliff dive. If you dream of flying it's best to ignore the voices in your head telling you it was all real and just carry on with your every day lives instead.
NAKED
What? You were in a crowded room giving an important speech when suddenly it dawned on you that you were wearing no clothes? You idiot. Do you not have mirrors in your house? You should really check this sort of thing before you leave in the morning. You deserved that embarrassment and I hope it taught you a valuable lesson about common decency.
BEING MARRIED TO EMMA WATSON
This dream means that you will one day, definitely, without doubt, be arrested for being within 100 yards of Harry Potter star Emma Watson. If you dream about her as a child then you should probably just not admit that to people, you weirdo.
That's pretty much all dream categories covered right there. If I've missed one out then by all means feel free to contact me and I'll do my best to feign knowledge about that subject too.