What to do if you're alone on Valentine's Day.

You know how Christmas and Easter and the Queen's Jubilee are all quite inclusive holidays? Everyone is invited, even people who aren't of that religion or think the Queen might be an alien. It's fine, no-one really minds. You can still have a present and wave your little flag and sing the national anthem else you'll be shot by one of the royal guards, you unpatriotic foreigner you. No really, it's cool. We don't mind. Wayne Rooney never sings it and he hasn't been shot yet, unfortunately.

But unlike all of those days, all of those beautiful happy days where no-one gets left out and made to feel sad, Valentine's Day is a very exclusive club indeed. 'Wanna be part of today?' Cupid asks. 'Tough luck, your name is down but it's ALL ON ITS OWN so you can't come in.'

I've never been with anyone on Valentine's Day, partly due to a clever money saving plan and partly due to the female population's bad taste, so I'm not really sure how I would act if I had to actually do anything. However I do know exactly how to act when I don't and I'm here to share that wisdom with you. I present:

10 THINGS TO DO IF YOU'RE SAD AND ALONE ON VALENTINE'S DAY.

Aw, love.

1. Go and buy yourself some new boots.

Your feet don't have to be on their own just because you are. Treat them to something beautiful and made of leather, perhaps with stirrups and definitely with the wooden bottom that makes a lovely clip-clop noise when you walk. People will respect you for this investment and look at you when you walk over hard surfaces. 

2. Send someone you used to like awkward text messages.

'Why must you hurt me?' 'Is it mine?' 'Has he told you about us yet?' 'It was dark, we were both drunk.' All of these are viable options and the angry response will cheer you up no end.

3. Watch all of One Tree Hill.

Alright, you probably can't fit watching every single episode of One Tree Hill into just the one day. You might have to make a week out of it. But however you spread it out you cannot possibly feel down when such attractive, successful people are larking about on screen. I'd recommend watching one of the earlier seasons first, maybe the episode where Dan kills that guy, just so you can experience the true struggles the people of Tree Hill had to go through. Then fast forward to the more recent episodes and feel good at how well their lives all turned out. That could be you one day! (It won't be.)

4. Pretend to be Batman.

There are crimes being committed against your heart because Keira Knightley doesn't love you so the only way to balance that out is if you stop other crimes more in your control. See that kid robbing the corner shop? Go run him over in your Vauxhall Corsa/ Batmobile. You'll feel better and they'll understand when they wake up that it was all for the greater good.

5. Beat yourself at Scrabble.

There is nothing more satisfying that winning. But unfortunately whenever I compete against other people I tend to lose, so the only hope I have is if I play myself. I really like words so Scrabble is fun and if I play myself no-one will complain when I make words up or deliberately put silly words in to try and make the board rhyme.

6. Set a dog free.

That.

7. Stare at the wall until it starts to look attractive.

People leave. People leave all the time. Walls cannot leave. Walls are there forever until they get knocked down by a bulldozer. Don't hire a bulldozer and then you can spend the rest of your life with your beautiful wall wife.

8. Made in Chelsea.

Worried about all the bad things happening to your life? Watch a bit of MIC and you'll feel much better because, like, they're having tiny little problems due to their friend going shopping with someone else and not inviting them and being multimillionaires just isn't helping at all.

9. Chips.

You don't have to look good because you're on your own so make the most of this by filling your face with absolute crap. Want chocolate sauce on those chips? Go for it. Want to eat those chips while bathing in a vat of ice cream? Why not?!? 

10. Ask deep questions of your reflection.

'Hey reflection why do you keep insisting on MESSING THINGS UP? WE COULD HAVE BEEN SOMETHING, WE COULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU!' 

Your reflection will just stand there and take it because it is spineless. 

Now when the big day comes around and all your couple friends are giving each other nauseating presents and pretending they're good together you'll be able to fill your time with lots of other useful things. 

And don't worry, somewhere out there is someone for you. Just make sure you clear your cupboards out first, the old bodies of former victims might put them off.