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| This hat is popular with rabbits. |
Trilbies.
The wearer of a trilby is by far and away cooler than everyone else in the room. Not, as Vice says, 'a college town pervert.' Sure, some trilby wearers may well be perverts but at that exact moment none of that matters. They are wearing the finest of all hats, a hat that says, 'Yeah, I've got an art degree, and what?' When I wear my trilby people look at me and laugh but I don't care because my heart and sense of immaculate fashion are both telling me that haters gonna hate and that people as cool as me shouldn't give them the time of day, which I don't.
Boaters.
Sure, Ollie Murs is a pretty detestable human being despite his song 'Troublemaker' being on my most played list on Spotify, but that shouldn't mean his choice of head wear becomes detestable too. Vice claims the only redeeming quality of a boater is how flammable it is but the only thing hot around here is the way you look, beautiful. You've got a boater on your head and everyone knows it. Who cares if you don't actually own a boat and will probably never get in one again because of how fiercely seasick they make you? You wear that hat and you wear it with pride. Just don't go near any horses, they try to eat them.
Beanies.
Beanies are everywhere, this is true, but so are cats and everyone bloody loves cats. You don't see any articles hating on felines because all the people who write for Vice are the exact same sort of hipsters who are too busy posting pictures of them on Instagram. 'Look at my cat, it's got legs. Aw.' A beanie is both warm in the winter and awesome in the summer when most woolen hats are simply impractical. 'Won't you be hot in that hat?' people ask. 'No I won't, people. This hat is a beanie and if the people in Topman's window display can wear one in August so can I.'
Snapbacks.
Some people wear baseball hats to keep the sun out of their eyes and some people wear them because they don't want their faces to be seen whilst they're robbing Aldi. But people who wear snapbacks aren't wearing it for any of those reasons. For a start, it's snapped back. It does naff all in terms of keeping the sun out. Secondly they're pretty pricey so you probably won't wear one anywhere near Aldi. They're more of an Asda hat or a hat that you wear because you've got a fringe and you want to show it off while still having some hat action going on. I say snap them back further, have one where the beak is so high up it's aiming directly at the sky because that's where you belong, you hat wearing god you.
Floppy eared hats.
I have a floppy eared hat and it has got snowflakes on it so it can't realistically be worn during most of the year. But, contrary to what Vice claims, it can be worn occasionally and not just in Bristol. Those floppy eared bits are very useful for keeping your ears warm and if you're lucky you'll have a bobble on the top too which is extra handy when you want to stand out in a crowd of un-bobbled heads.
Cloches.
Alright, I don't own a cloche. I didn't even know what a cloche was until looking back on the aforementioned Vice rant about them. Hell, I had to look back quite a bit, I couldn't actually remember much of what it said. But people who do own a cloche are generally richer or more Victorian than me and who am I to have a go at the wealthy or historical?
Animal hats.
Again I don't own an animal hat and any man that does should be kneecapped but I'm pretty sure I've checked out the legs of a girl who was wearing one and she seemed alright until she left with a panicked look on her face.
So there. That'll learn 'em.