Tricking People Into Thinking You're Cool.

The other day I was sat in a popular chain of coffee shop sipping on a popular type of coffee when I noticed something unusual; everyone else there was vastly younger than me. I don't know how it happened, really, because the last time I checked I was still quite young and was incredibly cool because I wore Chelsea boots. But somehow, somewhere along the way, younger people began to appear. People who still had dreams and ambitions way above their status. People who thought they could achieve whatever they set their minds to. I was crashing their party, wasn't I? I wasn't cool to them anymore. I wasn't old enough to be their dads but I was old enough to be their slightly wiser big brother who had lived a little and I was cramping their style. This made me sad, it made me sick, it made me order another coffee. I still have stuff to offer, world. Don't take this chance away from me.

I had to take action. These fresh new lives had to know I was still top dog, I was still king of the hipster coffee scene. No lion cub was going to come and take my pride away from me. It was time to fight back. So, with that in mind, here's how to trick people into believe you're still cool.

Still got it.

TURN UP YOUR COLLAR.

Turning up your collar is a sign of social dominance. It says you're someone not to be messed with, someone with an attitude who ain't afraid to show it off, someone with swag. If you're not wearing a top with a collar then you probably aren't cool enough for these tips to help in anyway. You're a lost cause. When I turned my collar up I could hear people gasp and I'm pretty sure the voices in my head are a reflection of how real people actually think.

SHOW OFF YOUR FRINGE.

You are, of course, wearing a hat. But that doesn't mean you have to hide all of your hair. Being able to wear a hat while still letting people see your immaculate fringe is a skill only a few people can truly master. It is at times like this where you need to use that skill to the max. Move your hat back slightly, pull the fringe down. It doesn't matter if you can't see anymore because everyone else is suddenly seeing you in a whole new light.

CLEAN YOUR GLASSES.

Those massive glasses you're wearing can easily get lost in a crowd of other massive glasses wearing weirdos. But you're not just wearing yours for show, you're wearing them because if you don't the world is an even scarier blur than normal. Make sure people know that you're not just rocking this look because it's there to be rocked but because you actually have ridiculous eye sight. You've overcome this difficulty, well done. Everything else is easy for you now and they all know it.

BOOTS.

Those things on your feet aren't comfy, are they? No. So use them for the reason they're meant to be used; showing the hell off. Put a foot up on the adjacent chair, maybe both if you're feeling extra saucy. Once people realise what you're walking in they'll give you the respect and admiration you deserve. You'll be fighting scene kids off with your polished wooden heels. 

DO SOME POETRY.

It doesn't have to be good poetry, it doesn't have to make any sense and it doesn't have to rhyme. But that's the joy of it; nearly all poetry is complete crap and that doesn't matter. You'd still be a poet. You'd still be a modern equivalent of Ted Hughes without the wife abusing side. People see you writing stuff down in a coffee shop and your air of intrigue suddenly becomes a whole lot thicker. Sniff it in, society.

Now sit back and watch the cool come rolling back in. You might be older than everyone else here, but you're also better. Don't you forget it.