Here is a definition of all those rugby terms and rules you're likely to hear through the next few weeks. I hope they help.
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Advantage.
If you take advantage you will be told off by all the other team's friends. 'They were drunk!' they'll say. 'I can't believe you took advantage like that!' You may also feel morally corrupt but only until your lad mates congratulate you on a job well done.
Ankle tap.
An ankle tap is a form of tribal dance move.
Ball back.
This is a derogatory term. It is based on the original phrase 'ball bag' however rugby players are far too well educated to stoop that low so adapted it to seem more polite.
Blindside.
Rugby is an equal opportunities sport. As such people with all sorts of disabilities are allowed to play. The blindside is the half of the pitch where none of the players can see and it is often advised that play should aim to go there because you can just run through without much of an obstacle.
Blitz defence.
During the war a 'blitz defence' was used to stop German bombers. Just to be on the safe side all rugby teams have their own blitz defence should our old enemy ever decide to strike again.
Blood bin.
Should a player ever have some blood he no longer wants he may put it in the blood bin where it will be recycled to preserve the environment.
Breakdown.
Occasionally a rugby player will breakdown because he keeps getting hit by massive men who want to take the ball off him. This is a hard life to live and can result in many psychological problems.
Caution.
If there is a big pile of players on the floor a caution sign will be put up to warn approaching players of the potential trip hazard.
Conversion.
This is when rugby players are converted to play a proper sport like football.
Drop goal.
When a player tries to pick up a goal but realises they are actually quite big and heavy so drops it.
Dummy pass.
To confuse the opposition a baby is occasionally thrown instead of a ball. This is known as a dummy pass.
Dump tackle.
This is a disgusting way of stopping an opponent and makes a terrible mess of the pitch.
Fly half.
A player who is half insect, half man.
Forward pass.
Occasionally a rugby player will realise how silly his sport is and throw the ball forwards. Unfortunately everyone else hasn't figured this tactic out yet and so it is outlawed.
Forth official.
Only a few people are officially meant to be on the pitch. This is the fourth of them.
Free kick.
Rugby is expensive but due to the bad economy every once in a while you get to kick the ball for free.
Gain line.
The part of the pitch where former Lincoln City midfielder Peter Gain stands and watches.
Grubber kick.
When a player kicks a particularly unattractive person.
Hand off.
When a player loses a hand.
High tackle.
A well endowed player.
Hospital pass.
Rugby players are tough and thus refuse to go to the hospital, even after receiving a hand off.
Interception.
The mispronunciation of a popular film staring Leonardo DiCaprio.
Kick off.
When shit gets out of control.
Knock-on.
A knock off is a product pretending to be a product of higher value. A knock on is the opposite of that.
Late tackle.
A rugby player who only becomes well endowed later on in life.
Loose head.
A player who should probably retire from the game before he gets seriously hurt.
Line-out.
When rugby players enjoy some cocaine at a team party.
Line-out code.
How rugby players inform others that they are planning to do some cocaine later on.
Mark.
A man who plays rugby. Occasionally players will call for Mark because they miss him and enjoy his company.
Offside.
I have no idea what offside is.
Overlap.
When a player runs so fast he goes past his opposite number twice.
Penalty try.
When a player attempts to take a penalty.
Place kick.
If you really dislike a certain location you may kick it.
Professional foul.
Actively hunting down a business man and attacking him.
Prop.
If you are tired at the end of the game you are allowed to ask for a prop to hold you up.
Red zone.
A part of the pitch on which there is a lot of blood.
Restart.
If the referee decides a match has been so dull he may ask for it to be restarted.
Ruck.
A massive punch up.
Scrum.
A massive punch up.
Scrum half.
A punch up half the size of a normal scrum.
Shoeing.
Instead of tackling you are allowed to throw your boot at someone.
Sin bin.
Where all evil lives.
Spear tackle.
A rugby player with a particularly pointy penis.
Test match.
A game during which you must complete your A-Levels.
Tight head.
A player who is in a much safer position to play than a loose head.
Touch judge.
An overly emotional referee.
Try.
Attempting to play rugby.
Turnover.
A type of cake.