Hey, social media users. You're all fully formed human beings and as such should be left to decide what is and is not proper use of your social media sites. But seeing as so many of you keep doing it wrong I feel there is no alternative left but to set you straight. Pay attention because the more of these rules you break the more you will suffer for it in the afterlife. You've been warned.
1. Your lunch.
Oh well done, you've learnt how to go into a restaurant and order a meal. Bravo. I hope you enjoy it and don't choke on it. But after that I have no further interest in what goes on. I don't care what it looks like, I don't care how it tastes, I don't care if it was the best meal of your life because we all know you'll say the same thing about something else next week. I don't care if it was a 'beautiful meal with a beautiful girl' or if you ate it alone in your boxers sobbing uncontrollably because no-one will ever love you. Just eat your food and show some manners, it's rude to get your phone out at the dinner table.
2. Your pet.
Is your pet a performing monkey who can juggle flaming swords while winning a game of chess against a grand master? No, it's a bloody cat. It does cat things in a cat manner. Unless one of these cat things happens to be hilarious, and I mean truly hilarious like posing a threat to your life or thinking it's a dog (the better animal), then you telling your friends about it should stop immediately. Go out and buy a monkey and train it the hell up.
3. Your other half.
It's nice that you've found someone who doesn't hate you, but it's only really nice for you. Everyone else is just looking at you with envious eyes or resentment because deep down they know that you could never be as happy with them as you would be with themselves. The following statuses are unacceptable:
- I'm so happy with my special person.
- Aw, this is a picture of my special person sleeping.
- My special person just did this it was so cute I love them so much.
- My special person still isn't dead.
| No. |
Oh well done, you've learnt how to go into a restaurant and order a meal. Bravo. I hope you enjoy it and don't choke on it. But after that I have no further interest in what goes on. I don't care what it looks like, I don't care how it tastes, I don't care if it was the best meal of your life because we all know you'll say the same thing about something else next week. I don't care if it was a 'beautiful meal with a beautiful girl' or if you ate it alone in your boxers sobbing uncontrollably because no-one will ever love you. Just eat your food and show some manners, it's rude to get your phone out at the dinner table.
2. Your pet.
Is your pet a performing monkey who can juggle flaming swords while winning a game of chess against a grand master? No, it's a bloody cat. It does cat things in a cat manner. Unless one of these cat things happens to be hilarious, and I mean truly hilarious like posing a threat to your life or thinking it's a dog (the better animal), then you telling your friends about it should stop immediately. Go out and buy a monkey and train it the hell up.
3. Your other half.
It's nice that you've found someone who doesn't hate you, but it's only really nice for you. Everyone else is just looking at you with envious eyes or resentment because deep down they know that you could never be as happy with them as you would be with themselves. The following statuses are unacceptable:
- I'm so happy with my special person.
- Aw, this is a picture of my special person sleeping.
- My special person just did this it was so cute I love them so much.
- My special person still isn't dead.
4. Your children.
Fantastic, you and your special person did a special thing to create another special person. Now there are more of you. This permits you one status update. You may, with great pride and a tear in your eye, inform your social media contacts that you have had a child. Unless you're 16 or in a relationship with the devil people will respond to this in an appropriate manner by clicking like. If, however, these status updates continue to the stage of 'Lol my child has just rolled over.' 'Lol my child just threw up it was so sweet.' 'Lol I am so lucky to have my special little child in my life.' 'Lol we're such a cute little family,' then I wish nothing but sadness on you.
Fantastic, you and your special person did a special thing to create another special person. Now there are more of you. This permits you one status update. You may, with great pride and a tear in your eye, inform your social media contacts that you have had a child. Unless you're 16 or in a relationship with the devil people will respond to this in an appropriate manner by clicking like. If, however, these status updates continue to the stage of 'Lol my child has just rolled over.' 'Lol my child just threw up it was so sweet.' 'Lol I am so lucky to have my special little child in my life.' 'Lol we're such a cute little family,' then I wish nothing but sadness on you.
5. The weather.
WE ALL HAVE WINDOWS ALRIGHT?
6. Anything with hashtags.
It is at all times highly improper to use hashtags on Facebook. They don't do anything, you can't click on them and be taken off to some magical list of other hashtags, they don't matter. All that happens when you use hashtags on Facebook is people start thinking you don't know how to properly form sentences and have to resort to just bundling words together like a neanderthal. Are you a caveman? No. Up your game. Don't do it on Instagram and then share them on Facebook either because you still look stupid and make Facebook look stupid for buying a company whose functionality doesn't even work on their platform.
Am I right?