So, yesterday I went to a party! In a continuation of my recent social butterfly status I headed out for the second time in two days (I know right!!!) with a bag of beer (well, a bag of cans of beer. Carrying liquid in a bag wouldn't end well,) and a head full of optimism and possibilities about what the night ahead of me may hold in store. After a half hour walk during which everyone seemed to want to pass comment on either my glasses, hair or shoes, I arrived at the place where the fun times I had imagined would happen would end up happening. Just in case anyone who did pass comment on my glasses, hair or shoes is reading this; they're all better than yours and every comment you made about them was taken as a compliment by my recently enlarged sense of ego.
Such is my renewed sense of confidence that opposed to a couple of years ago when I would of spent the majority of the party stood by myself feeling angry and upset and bitter about everyone else having fun, I was now one of the people having fun and making other people feel bitter. I love being on the other side of the coin. I've realised in the past few months that when I talk to people, they often talk back! It's amazing how well that works. Surprisingly being deadly quiet and looking a bit creepy tends not to attract popularity, so I scrapped that plan a while back and have been burrowing a new path for myself ever since. I still get the impression it deters some from talking to me, perhaps even more so than when I was a recluse, but on the whole it's having a much better impact on my life. Those who still find me a bit weird are perfectly entitled to do so, they're probably right about it too, but they're missing out on at least one good joke a night.
Anyway, back to the 3 key points raised in the amazing title, (have I mentioned the title? Seriously, check it out!) Booze is an obvious beginner. It used to be that when I drank I'd get stupid and sad and sulky and I wouldn't have a good time at all. I'd be with a crowd of people who I now realise probably quite liked me, but I'd feel completely alone and would end up making a massive tit out of myself. Not that I'm saying I don't still do that sometimes; me looking like a plank is something that comes quite naturally to me, but it's a lot less frequent now. Now when I drink I remain fairly similar to how I am sober, only what I say takes longer to make sense of and sometimes I make words up and become attracted to normally unattractive girls.
Speaking of girls, or for the sake of the Sin City reference, broads...
I've never been in anything long term, possibly because after about a week of me they get bored of my inability to take life seriously and my constant attempts to make light of every situation I find myself in. Either that or they don't feel any where near good enough for me. This used to bother me a little bit, and I guess it still does that if my plans to one day be a dad are to come into fruition I first have a lot of leg work to do. If that prospect has put any readers off who fancied a go, don't worry. I'm also open to a bit of no strings sex and other such things that young people are supposed to do. It might be a laugh! But in the past not only was I incapable of holding on to a girl, I was also pretty rubbish at attracting them in the first place. Not to be vain, but I know I'm not the ugliest guy in the world, so it wasn't that that was driving them away. It was probably more to do with the lack of talking again. Apparently just looking at a girl doesn't make them realise you like them, and as that was all I ever managed to do it makes sense that the good looking ones all rebuffed me. I've always been able to attract complete head cases, however. There have been no problems with that. Only the head cases in question have also come with an appearance that has been, well, not to my taste... I'm all for a hot head case. In fact that pretty much describes my ideal girl, so if you know any...
Recently however I've found that talking to girls you fancy is almost exactly like talking to people you don't, only when you make inappropriate jokes (of which I have plenty) you sort of a little bit mean them. You don't let this on, they'd think you were unstable, but if they laugh and don't run away then you know you're in with a shout. Either that or they do think I'm unstable, they just don't want to risk me getting angry with them and killing off their families and showing them the video evidence on webcam.
Speaking of getting angry (I'm making such excellent, seamless links through out this,) after the party had ended me and my friend and house mate Tom headed to Mcdonalds. Normally a scene of serenity and calm away from the alcohol fuelled party of before. Not this time it wasn't. I ordered some nuggets and as I walked off with them to find a seat I noticed a man getting awful close to Tom. Being a straight man as Tom is, he pulled away from the proposed grope of the man beside him which weirdly led the man to believe Tom was gay. I'm struggling to see the logic in that. Thinking that was that, I sat down and soon Tom joined me. I was two nuggets in to my nine when I heard the want-to-be groper getting rowdy with his friends. A couple of them stood up and started laying in to each other before, out of no where, a big mac landed on my leg. Odd. Big Macs don't often fall from the air, and as it turns out, neither had this one. Either angered by Tom's rejection or just completely steaming, the man had decided we thoroughly deserved a barrage of fast food to be thrown in our direction and looking across to him you could see the trajectory the burger had taken. It felt a little bit like CSI, if CSI took place in Lincoln. As the other two people continued to scrap it out over what ever it is that annoys drunk people in Mcdonalds, one of the guys from behind the counter kindly asked them to bugger off. They did so, and I was left with jeans and a shirt covered in the cheesy, mayonnaise based centre of a big mac. You'd be surprised at how bad that tastes when wiping it off yourself. As we left to go home we saw the guys again trying to come back in side. We assumed murder was likely to happen, but not wanting that to happen to ourselves we carried on home.
I feel like I should mention that throughout all of this Tom was carrying a giant hula hoop. It has no bearing on anything that happened, other than making it a lot more surreal. As we rolled it all the way home we saw a whole heap of police cars at the end of the road. Probably that murder that we'd foreseen. How clever it made us feel to have predicted the future so.