You probably don't care, but yesterday was the time to vote for who you wanted to be your MP, for something. Did you bother? I didn't. Part of the reason why is because I am still registered to vote in north west London but the main part is because their advertising was BLOODY TERRIBLE. They're trying to sell themselves as a product with some of the worst marketing ever known to man and I'm not going to fall for that just in the hope one of them makes buses run more often, no sir.
Here's a breakdown of what each party offered me in terms of their sell:
LIBERAL DEMOCRATS.
The man pictured above is a Liberal Democrat. They only screwed over students when I was in my final year so it didn't make me especially mad, apart from when some tutors decided to strike over it thus meaning I was missing out on lectures I was already paying a fortune for. Ironic, that. But anyway, this particular Lib Dem came round to the door of my house with his dog and said lots of very reassuring things. For a start he called me Mr Billinghay, which won him points from the off, and secondly his dog was quite cute. He then said that he really liked his job and hoped he could do it for a few more years to come. Bless. Who was I to rob a man of his job? Not that I could, not being registered... but he didn't know that. His marketing worked because I like him now despite not knowing about anything that he has done.
CONSERVATIVES.
For years I called them Conservatories by mistake but that hasn't put any of them off from trying to invade my personal space. I voted for them once and look where that got us. Just look at it! This time I wouldn't make the same mistake and was fully ready to quote something I didn't understand but had heard on the news when they came knocking. But that never happened. No fliers came through my door, no email landed in my inbox and no man with a dog came doorstepping meaning I can't even judge their marketing strategy because they seem not to have had one. I bet if they did have one it probably included QR Codes because they're plebs.
LABOUR.
My everlasting memory of the local Labour party is of their leader at the time walking onto the Lincoln City pitch at half time to a chorus of boos from people much older than I was. It has tainted my opinion of them somewhat because, after all, who better to judge politicians than a group of football fans who are angry that the curry pies have run out? When they were voted out the other year a woman came round asking why people hadn't chosen her which I felt was a little desperate and I wondered if she just needed a cup of tea and a hug. I didn't offer her either though because hey, she was an MP. This year they sent a letter through the door with big words on it like THINGS NEED TO CHANGE and TAXES BLAH BLAH BLAH or something, I didn't really read it. I can report, however, that it made an excellent paper airplane. Well done them for using solid paper.
INDEPENDENT PARTY.
You know how some nutter always thinks they stand a chance of gaining election because they're 'one of the people'? Well our nutter was so much 'one of the people' that her campaign trail consisted of purely that kind of message. Here are some of my favourite, genuine quotes from her leaflet that she thought would make us choose her:
-I have lived in Lincoln for a while now.
-My kids go to school here.
-I really like the city.
-It would be nice.
I hope no-one voted for her because she sounds like the most boring human being on earth.
UKIP.
I must have been out when this post came but I imagine they just tried to force a beheaded European through the letter box.
I think the Lib Dems won so hurray for them. Not that I care, because I didn't vote, so whatever really.