| First off I'd fire her. Look how happy she is, the freak. |
Problem: Sofa hoarders.
There's nothing worse (nothing, not a single thing) than one person who takes up the entire sofa area. They're on their own because they have no friends and they likely have no friends because they're a sofa hoarder. This change in policy would help them as well as the rest of us.
Solution: Beanbags.
Ever tried sitting on a beanbag on your own with a mug of coffee? I have. You sink and the coffee goes everywhere, scolding you and causing your flatmate to ask 'Why is there a weird stain on the floor?' Then you have to spend months lying about it having been there all the time. It's a hassle. The only way to fix that issue is if two people sit on the beanbag at the same time, thus preventing sinking and forcing single coffee drinkers to sit on a chair where they belong.
Problem: Loyalty cards.
My loyalty card is my best friend. It comes with me everywhere and has been responsible for more free drinks than any of my so called human friends ever will be. However it's tatty, easy to lose and I often forget I have it on me and go without claiming my reward. This makes me sad.
Solution: Disloyalty threats.
Instead of rewarding repeated custom, coffee shops should start threatening those who consider going elsewhere. That way not only are people put off from ever going to a rival provider, but they're also scared into always saying 'yes' when offered food while paying. There is no reward for the customer but business isn't about them, it's about HARD COLD CASH.
Problem: Ironic facial hair.
It's incredibly difficult to enjoy a relaxing beverage when you're busy laughing at someone with a stupid curly mustache/ beard combination. What do they think they are, a wizard?
Solution: Extra froth on all drinks.
People don't like it when they get froth on their mustache. It looks like they've been motor-boating a cow and that's not a style anyone can pull off. Adding extra froth and foam to the drinks ordered by owners of ironic facial hair will encourage them to shave it off. They could, of course, go and drink elsewhere, but it wouldn't be worth the risk of receiving one of those handy disloyalty threats.
Problem: Art students.
Do they think this is some kind of creative space where their ideas will be safe and their work appreciated? Do they think it's alright for them to take up a whole table with their massive sketchpads and spend hours in there drawing all the men with ironic facial hair? It isn't. Not at all.
Solution: Hire art critics as bartistas.
'Here's your drink miss, by the way that work is incredibly derivative and wouldn't look out of place in my 6 year old child's primary school painting lessons.' I once got told some degree work looked like 'GCSE art rubbish' and it put me off ever trying again. The same thing would happen here.
If anyone knows someone who works for a coffee house and would be happy to pass these tips on I would greatly appreciate it. This is for all of us, not just me.