Why I wouldn't invite my Twitter followers round for tea.

I really like tea. I really like Twitter. You'd think combining the two would work out well for me but the more I think about it the more I am absolutely horrified by the idea of those two worlds ever meeting. Yes, I class tea as a world, don't you? Apart from the obvious problems of simply not having enough tea bags or milk or cups to cater for 582 people I just don't think anyone would particularly enjoy the experience. Obviously there are people on Twitter who I've already had tea with and they didn't have any major complaints apart from that one time I gave someone Early Grey by accident (eugh.) But that was on an individual basis with people I already knew, people who'd already got used to me. For the rest of you unsuspecting lot it might end up being a pretty horrific encounter.

This tea party is terrifying. Ours might be worse.

PROBLEMS.

The main issue, I'd find, is that I'm a lot funnier online than I am when you actually speak to me. Sure, I can tell the odd good joke now and again and I always think I'm hilarious, but 9 times out of 10 I'm not. On Twitter you've got time to think about things, the opportunity to delete stuff if it ends up being horribly offensive and not funny at all, which often it does. Basically on Twitter you can prevent yourself sounding like Frankie Boyle while face to face once it's happened it's far too late to do anything about it. Some people find that off-putting. Some people don't want to drink tea with people like that.

The second issue, and this one might actually be more pressing than the first now I think about it, is that a lot of the people who follow me on Twitter are complete weirdos. Sure, I attract them with what I write, that one blog post about whether One Direction are a cult got me some interesting new friends in particular. Also when you Google search 'serial killer glasses' a picture of my face is on the first page of image results and that certainly doesn't help when looking to avoid people with mental problems. Do I really want all of these people sitting in my living room making a mess of my china?* Nah, not really. I'm sure they're all lovely in small doses but who ever just comes round for one cup of tea? It never happens, people always want seconds. They'd end up staying forever because of their clingy relationship issues and the fact their mothers never loved them. I don't want to be their new mother.

Of course the main bulk of my followers are lovely, interesting people. They could come round for a cuppa quite happily, so long as they bought me some new milk afterwards. But mixed in with all of them are a bunch of recruiters, SEO experts and those people who follow everyone possible in order to increase their own follower numbers. I don't want any of them to come anywhere near my house, ever. Imagine the conversation with an SEO writer over tea, 'I really like this cup of tea, the tea you have made me in a cup is nice. This is a very good hot beverage. If I were looking for a cup of tea I would come to you because it is good.' Go home.

In short if you fancy a brew you should probably clear it with me first instead of just turning up at my door because I won't let you in and if I do I'll give you the shitty store brand tea instead of the good, Yorkshire stuff.

You might not even get a biscuit.

* I don't own any china. You'll be drinking your tea out of a Lincoln City mug if I like you and if I don't you'll get a shot glass.