A - Alarm.
WAKE UP OH MY GOD WAKE UP. It's been turned off for the past two days but now it's forcing you out of bed to go and do that job you hate just so you can afford the rent on that flat you don't like living in with those people whose company you don't enjoy. Ah, life. How beautiful.
B - Breakfast.
Did you enjoy a nice relaxed croissant on Sunday while perusing the weekend papers? Lovely, well that shit's over now isn't it? Back to forcing some burnt toast down your throat while you desperately try and fit your tired body into that shirt that you liked once but is now just a constant reminder of wasted aspirations.
C - Coffee.
You tell yourself, as you pour that weak brown liquid through your lips, that all that caffeine will be enough to see you through the day. It won't be, it won't make the slightest bit of difference to your productivity, but without it you'd probably just jump out the window so it's probably best you have some all the same.
D - Despair.
"One day closer to the weekend!" your friend optimistically posts on their Facebook page. Hurray! Spend every day looking forward to it being over. That's the dream right there.
E - Euthanasia.
That bus would probably be enough. If you just stepped out in front of the tube it would be like the weekend all over again but FOREVER. But then if reincarnation is real you could well come back as something even worse like an account manager. Is it worth the risk? Nah, not really.
F - Friday.
Remember Friday? You went out and got smashed with your mates and that one lad you know did that hilarious thing and it was amazing. While that story was entertaining on Saturday none of your friends work here and everyone that does thinks you're an idiot. Be quiet and go pretend to do your job.
G - God.
If he existed today wouldn't. There's your proof right there, religion.
H - Headache.
Due to set in just about now, actually. Never mind, more coffee will almost certainly help.
I - Imaginative Sick Excuses.
Your boss probably won't believe you're suddenly pregnant, especially if you're a man. Even if they do it will only lead to people wanting to see and congratulate you while still expecting you to do your work so you'll have to up your game. And really, if you get Monday off, Tuesday becomes 10x worse.
J - Jokes.
Now is not the time.
K - Karma.
If you work hard today your rewards will be greater in the future, yeah? Well no, not really. If you work hard now you'll just end up feeling bitter that you get paid a lot less than everyone else even though you've obviously got more talent. Just put no effort in at all and that will feel a whole lot more fair.
L - Lists.
Remember how good it felt to cross that final thing off your to-do list last week? It's time you forgot all about it because you've got to start a whole new one now and it seems to be an awful lot longer and full of a lot more stuff you don't want to have to do.
M - Monster, Totaljobs, Reed.
Are you sick of EVERYTHING? Do you want something NEW? You could upload your CV to all these job sites but ultimately you'll end up doing something just as average and get inundated with countless spam emails. Is that helping your career or just making you regret every decision you've ever made in life?
N - Nicotine.
You don't smoke but everyone who does seems to get an extra hour break throughout the day that they spend out the back door lighting up. That seems fair, right? They get to do less just because they want cancer and you're missing out. Start up the habit guys, it's the only way to job satisfaction.
O - Office.
You spend hours working in a dull location on a dull Microsoft package for clients with dull ideas. All that debt you got in for your degree is looking totally worth it now.
P - Pay Day.
It's only a few weeks away and you'll get just about enough to cover your bills for that place you live in purely so you can do your job. There's logic there somewhere but that might just be the caffeine and nicotine addictions talking.
Q - Queen.
Motivational music will see you through! Oh but you can't really listen to any because your boss is constantly shouting at you to work faster and what if the phone rings and you're not there to answer it? The whole system will crash and you don't want to be the cause of that sort of drama. Sit in silence like the rest of us.
R - Reasoning.
This is worth it for my future. This is worth it for my family. This is worth it for my finances. These are all lies that you will tell yourself as you get off the train and walk reluctantly towards your desk. The reality is that if it weren't for this job you'd just be watching Bargain Hunt and you're not sure which is the more depressing option.
S - Sacking.
You fear the sack but part of you also longs for it so you can finally get on with living out your dream as a surf instructor in Australia.
T - Twitter.
'Just got to work. Hate Mondays. #YOLO'
U - Underwhelming.
You were so excited when you found out you'd got this job and now you spend every day wishing you'd never even been born. Is this your fault because of a lack of motivation or is it simply a fact that the world is awful and only a select few actually get to do something they enjoy? It's the second one. Blaming everything else is much easier.
V - Vengeance.
W - WM Morrison.
It's lunch time and you'll spend it sat in a supermarket canteen eating badly cooked baked potatoes watching other people argue and hoping their lives are worse than yours. They're not, they're here with other people while you're just sat on your own crying.
X - Marks the spot.
You've signed a contract somewhere to say you're happy to be doing this. Ha, weird.
Y - ?
For fun? For money? For your career ambitions? Nah, it's none of that, you just do it because you feel like you should and you can't remember the last time you didn't.
Z - Zombies.
The only way you can really get out of this is if the un-dead rise up and you have to take up your destiny as a monster killer. It might happen but what's more likely is you'll go to work, hate it, come home and take your frustration out on a bunch of teenage boys online who think they can beat you at this game but they can't because this is your fate, man.