Shut up, me.

Remember how bullies used to work at school? There would be a big one who would do all the physical stuff, he'd push you around and steal your bag and be the one that made you double take whenever you saw a large shadow approaching. But behind him there would be a smaller one, one who never actually hurt you or used his weight and size against you, but instead used his mouth and his relative intellect to tell the bigger one what to do. He'd be the one who made everything else happen, the one who really frightened you and then one who you'd dream about taking apart with a knife if ever you felt like going all Columbia high school on him. No? Only me?

Well fortunately I never got bullied. This could be because I was abnormally tall for my age or simply because my face was far too pretty to ever want to hurt (it's the first one, for sure) but I think something similar might be happening now, without anyone else being involved.

The problem is that my brain and my mouth are conspiring against me. This is all my own doing, obviously, and no-one else is there forcing them to act like pricks, but they're still doing it. It's spiraling out of control, I might have to tell a teacher.

Every day I wake up and I don't instantly think I will do something regrettable. Yet as I become more conscious and more aware of the fact a new day has begun my brain suddenly clicks into action.

'Today is going to be shit for you,' it tells me. I can sense it thinking of new and exciting ways to mess things up, I can tell it has something lying in wait that will screw me over.

My mouth remains dormant at this point, acting as 'the big one' in this somewhat obscure metaphor that at 12:39am on a day where I don't feel fantastic I am trying my best to string along for as long as this post requires. My brain keeps thinking, occasionally giving me a hint as to what it has in store for later by making me laugh at some awful event in the news or willing a pram to roll in front of a car on the road outside. The day goes on and on until eventually, unfortunately, I have to make contact with another human being. This contact doesn't have to be face to face; it could be virtual, so for that see my mouth as the words I end up using. Please see it as that, else this all goes to pot and I end up looking RIDICULOUS. As the contact begins I know, in the good part of my brain, that I want to say something that will be appreciated. I want, more often than not, to make the other person laugh. This is how the thought process works in digital form:

Idea
Type
Delete
New idea
Type something worse that makes people think I'm a knob
Send
Revel in success

This is how the thought process works in real life:

Idea
Speak
Bollocks, I've said that out loud haven't I?

And the worst part of all this is that after the event has happened, after I've said the thing I've said, my brain continues its plan to ruin me by making me think it was actually the right thing to do.
'People will love you for this, Ash,' it whispers. 'People will like that you're this way, they won't reject you. Go make a tea, you deserve it.'

I soon realise that my brain does not want what is best for me. My mouth is merely a humble sidekick doing everything it is told and not really being accountable for the consequences.

The two of them can piss off. I'm going into the headteacher's office to point out the pictures of them in the school photo album. I hope they don't find out or this is all going to get a lot worse.