In the modern world it seems people are more trusting than ever, forgetting the valuable information they were taught as youngsters about how to avoid falling into the hands of a machete wielding, white van driving weirdo. What is to blame for this change in attitude? It's probably the internet or drugs or Blue Peter being cancelled, something like that, and while it may be too late to stop it becoming a major problem it certainly isn't too late to learn a few vital tricks to figure out when your life/ groin/ freedom might be in danger.
Questions to ask yourself:
q: Do they own a white van despite the fact they do not have a job that would require such a thing?
a: Yes: They are more than likely going to try and kidnap you.
No: It may be in for repair, stay watchful.
q: Have they ever said they would kill themselves if you did not love them back?
a: Yes: Never say you love them back. It is better for you if they die.
No: It might still be safe to actually love them. (Caution: it is never actually safe to love anyone.)
q: At night do they stand over your bed and breathe heavily?
a: Yes: They might have asthma but it's more probable that they're possessed by some sort of daemon and you should leave.
No: Continue sleeping in the same bed. Kneecap the other person if you ever feel they might start acting weird.
q: Have they ever tried to or talked about removing the skin from your body and wearing it as a disguise?
a: Yes: That is a bad sign. Your skin should stay on your body as there are many party shops that sell perfectly good costumes without you having to die.
No: Take their skin before they change their minds. Safety first.
q: Do they say they like you one minute then change their minds the next?
a: Yes: This might seem alright at first but be warned, eventually you will grow sick of it and shoot them in the face. Then you will look like the mental. Shoot them straight away and avoid this problem.
No: Someone who likes or hates you all the time may still be a mental and should be treated with caution.
q: Do they wear big glasses without any sense of irony?
a: Yes: They're both mental and ruining it for the rest of us.
No: They may be wearing contacts to try and trick you. Stab them in the eye and see if anything falls out.
Hopefully you can use these hints to avoid being lured into the back of a van, sexually abused and buried somewhere. If that still happens then it is likely your own fault and I feel no sympathy for you.
