Once upon a time in a land far away (North Hykeham, just outside the city of Lincoln) someone made me a mix-tape. I'd never been made one before so I was pretty chuffed, but now I realise that I was a fool to accept such mediocrity. There are many reasons why I'm not in a relationship, but I think this mix-tape is the only one that doesn't involve it being my fault completely.
Here's why -
- Who makes a mix-tape? I'm a digital ninja and you give me music on something that is going to be obsolete? Where was the forward thinking? Where were the dreams of an online future? Idiot.
- What made you think I cared about your music taste? I mean I'm not a massive prick, and I do care, but I refuse to ever show that I care until we've been married for at least three years. We weren't married and I was still rocking my 'I'm a sarcastic joker, feelings are for squares' look, thus making me think you were trying to change me by showing me what you liked. NO-ONE CAN CHANGE ME. FUCK OFF.
- Plain White T's? Really? Neither of were called Delilah so this song choice made no sense.
- After one date it is NOT acceptable to trust me with something of any monetary value. This tape may have only cost a few pence but it still involved effort and this effort clearly went to waste. Your lack of judgement regarding me was disgusting. Did you not know me at all?
- With the tape you wrote a note. That note said 'To Ash. Because you bring music to my life I wanted to give some back in return.' What does that even mean? Why was it not funnier? Don't try and write clever things because that is literally the only thing I am any good at and if someone tries to take that role from me I will break the hell down and someone will get hurt.
And that's that. Don't do mix-tapes. Don't do a modern day equivalent of a shared Spotify playlist. Don't take this blog as a sign I am an awful person. Imagine if the music had worked, imagine if she was still with me now.
God her life would be shit.
