There were lots of people out, I imagine because it was warm and not because they wanted to be a part of this blog post, but you never know. Here are some of those people next to a sign warning me not to be on a bike. I wasn't, it was all OK.
The Heath is really rather nice. Apart from the masses of naked, sun-burnt flesh on display, there was also a lot of pretty nature. This particular nature involved flowers and grass.
I came across this lamp-post and it made me think I was in Narnia. I asked someone if I was and they looked at me as if to suggest I was crazy. I suspect they were working for the White Witch.
You should be warned that a large percentage of these photos consist of trees. This is not my fault, it's just that there are a lot of trees on Hampstead Heath and some of them looked dramatic enough for me to take a photograph. These trees, for example, display good contrast between them and their sunny background. There's a tree later on that has fallen over. It's exciting.
There are lots of well trodden paths that go through the Heath, where they've laid down paving or flattened out the soil. Lots of people were walking on those paths and they looked safe and reliable. I didn't fancy the idea of safety or reliability so I decided to go down this path instead. If you're looking at it thinking 'This doesn't really look like a path,' you'd be right, because it wasn't one. It all started to go wrong for me from this point.
This is a close up of another tree. It has good texture and I liked it.
I found this bridge and decided to cross it. It wasn't a difficult bridge to find as there were lots of people doing a similar thing, but I still felt quite proud of myself for the discovery. A little like going into a jewelers and claiming you have found treasure.
This water was near the bridge. It had some ducks in it. I realised at this point that I had never seen this water before, which was surprising as I have been around the Heath a lot. However before it has always been for running or dogging, and this time I was doing neither of those two things. Maybe I'd just been less observant before. Yeah, that was it, I totally was not lost in the slightest.
This was a much bigger bridge than before. There was almost certainly a troll living underneath it waiting for some goats to cross over. This was a pity as according to my sense of direction I definitely had to cross this bridge in order to get home. I was probably going to get eaten.
Before crossing the bridge that would likely lead to my demise I decided to take a photograph of some water. Here is that water:
When I got to the bridge I found these people. They too were clearly worried about the troll so were on the lookout for him. This was a relief to me as there were a few of them so the troll would surely chose them for his lunch instead of the solitary figure of me. Phew.
This is another picture of a dramatic looking tree. Enjoy.
Someone had decided they loved someone else by a concrete plinth. I hope they lived a happy life and are still together, else they'd feel like idiots every time they walked past this everlasting declaration of their affection for one another.
I found this WALL OF VINES and thought for a moment it might lead to a kingdom of fairies. I tried to peak my head through to investigate but I was instantly struck by a magic spell that made me forget everything I'd seen. It also convinced me that no fairies lived here, and made me tell you not to go looking.
This tree was covered in the initials of people who liked each other. I have thus declared it the tree of love, and decided that whoever goes near it will fall instantly for one another. That's almost certainly how it works, else why would there be so many names on it? I really wanted to add my own name to it but remembered that no-one loves me, and it would be weird if I just made some initials up for me to be paired with. So I didn't do it.
This is the tree that had fallen over. It's good isn't it? Later on some athletic looking men would be jumping over that tree. I didn't join it because I would have likely killed myself.
This is a thing. I'm not sure exactly what it is, and I knew I certainly had never seen it before.This was confirmation to me that I was in a part of the world that I had never been and this knowledge filled me with a feeling of excitement and unbearable dread.
It was starting to get very, very hot by now and I was feeling a little peckish. So I decided I would leave the Heath and make my way back home. This would surely be very easy as I live in Hampstead and this place is called Hampstead Heath, so my flat would obviously be just around the corner. In my attempt to discover if this was true, I found this. It's a VERY BIG HOUSE with an electric fence and as I approached it I was attacked by a pack of ravenous hounds, so I turned around and went the other way instead.
There'd been a moment when I was surrounded by all those trees that I thought I may never find my way out and that I would just have to live in the wilderness forever and eat any stray dogs that came my way in order to survive. Fortunately at that point I heard the sound of cars and walked towards them. Hey, look, a road! Success. I was a free man.
Along the side of this road there was a path. I knew there was a path that leads to my flat so I just assumed that this was the same one and decided to follow it.
There was a fence around the side of that very big house I'd been scared away from just a few moments earlier, and on that fence was this menacing sign. I was being watched.
And the reason I was being watched is because the house was MASSIVE. Someone lives here. Someone lives inside this house. This house is bigger than the entire city of Lincoln, which seems a bit excessive. Later on I found some even bigger houses and began to feel a little bit angry at the world.
Because the people who owned this massive house were apparently arrogant showoffs, they'd decided to tell everyone walking past what they were doing with all their masses of money. Look, they're building a pool, that's nice for them. Wankers.
I realised pretty soon that the path I had assumed would lead me directly to my flat was, in fact, leading me in completely the wrong direction. I found a road called The Bishops Avenue and instantly felt like the poorest man on earth. Here is a picture of some gates for one of the houses. I would later find out that Sting used to live on this road, along with the Saudi royal family. I did not belong.
Here is another gated entrance. By this stage I was taking fewer photographs because I was feeling sick with envy, and also a little bit sick with sun stroke.
More gates, in case you were enjoying them. LOOK HOW BIG THE HOUSES ARE!!!!.
This place was called 'Royal Mansion.' I did some research later on and found that this road is the richest road in London, and that this is the most expensive house on it. I felt like I should probably have paid someone just to take pictures of it so I was quick and only took a couple.
Just a stretched limo, parked up at the side of the street. Chilling out, enjoying the weather.
When I finally made it to the end of this road I checked my regularly useless maps app on my phone and it told I was bloody miles away from where I wanted to be. Just as I turned around to head back in a vaguely familiar direction, I saw a massive car crash. Unfortunately my camera was away by this stage, and I would have felt a little dodgy photographing it anyway rather than calling for help. So I did that instead. This was the first time I had ever called 999 and it was more of a rush than I imagine it should have been. Both the drivers were OK, but there was a lot of mess all over the road and the two cars were trashed. I was the only witness which made me feel like a hero. Woo! Loads of people now have my telephone number but I don't think any of them are going to ask me out for drinks or to see a film, instead I imagine they're going to call me about insurance claims. That's something to look forward to. I also gave my first ever statement to the police. Gosh, such excitement in one day. To sum up that excitement, here is the only other photograph I took on my journey. Those buildings in the distance are near where I live. I just needed to get there...
I took another turn, feeling fairly sure this would be the right one, and ended up in another park. I was a sweaty mess by now and my Topman vest top and home made shorts were feeling like an oven. I would have gladly made the rest of my way home stark naked but I imagined this would have been frowned upon by the locals so I just had to suffer through. My camera was now firmly away because I was in a bad mood and just wanted a drink, but I kept going the wrong way like an idiot so that was still a fair distance away from happening. I looked at the time and realised it had been 4 hours since I first left my flat. Eugh. All I needed was a tube station and EVENTUALLY I found one. I thought to myself, 'This will probably be Camden Town or Chalk Farm, because I can't possibly have got that lost.' But I was wrong, and I got on at Tuffnell Park station. I didn't know Tuffnell Park was a place, but now I do.
I finally got home feeling like I had a lost a physical fight with the sun and any sense of direction, and promptly downed the entire water supply of North London. Sorry about that, if you're wondering why your taps aren't working.
Now I await several frantic phone calls from people whose cars don't work any more, and perhaps the police if they decide my beautifully worded statement is worth following up on. How fun.