I understand that when you are someone who calls themselves a writer there is a certain pressure to, well, write. Because, as a wise man who is probably paid too much money for the minimal job he does once said, if you are not writing then you are not a writer. Thinking back at this time, what I should have said was "Too right, you'd just be a man with a pen. Only in my case the pen is bigger than most." That would have got a laugh, wouldn't it? At least an awkward laugh, a laugh for fear of what might happen if there was only silence. But I didn't say that, I just smiled and nodded and wrote some more in case I suddenly stopped being able to call myself a writer. What the hell else would I be? "Hi I'm Ash. I look like a writer and talk like a writer but, in reality, I am nothing but a badly dressed overly chatty tit." I now realise that the idea that if you are not writing then you are not a writer is a fairly stupid one. If you are an accountant and you suddenly stop doing maths, does that make you no longer an accountant? No, it doesn't, it just makes you more fun and better at socialising. Michael Owen doesn't play football very often anymore, but he is still a footballer. Michael Jackson NEVER sings anymore, yet he is still the King of Pop. It seems unfair that such rules should be different for those of us who choose words as our career.
Although, in spite of all this, the guilt is still there. If I spend a day just not writing, maybe draw a picture of a goat in a top hat instead or go to the park and watch pigeons fight over the food better creatures don't want, then I feel an enormous sense of wrongdoing come over me. I also wonder how I managed to get away with it, given the fact I should probably have been doing some work, and whether or not I would feel morally right if I still invoiced for the same amount of hours given the fact I spent a good number of those hours doing nothing like what my contract says I should be doing. Still, I handed my notice in today (I felt so grown up I vomited) and pretty soon I will be living it up in London like my degree tutors always dreamed I would. London, a place where there are bloody loads of pigeons to distract me. Some of them have horrible war scars and are missing legs which is pretty cool, and makes watching them try and go after scraps of food even more entertaining than normal. God I wish I had a social life.
So yes, instead of doing all of that all day every day, I write. Sometimes people pay me to write, sometimes I pay other people so I can write (what is this madness?) and sometimes I just write because I am an interesting character.
The main reason that I do it, however, is because if I have the arrogant gall to respond to the question, "Hey, what do you do?" with the answer, "I'm a writer" then I need to at least actually be one, and not just a prick. There are enough pricks in the world already. This post right here is preventing me from becoming one, do you understand? This is making me a good person.
