Before I begin I should warn you, I am not a very emotionally stable person. What makes a lot of people happy makes me feel a bit sick and what makes a lot of people cry makes me laugh, so you shouldn't judge what I'm about to talk about in the way you would judge it if someone else was going to talk about it. Not that anyone else would talk about it, because they're emotionally stable. Right? Good.
So. I got a lot of Christmas cards this year. This isn't because I've suddenly gained new friends. That hasn't happened, don't be silly. It's just because I work in an office for two and a half days of the week and people feel more inclined to give you Christmas cards if they see you on a semi regular basis. It is, after all, fairly rude to go round, desk after desk, handing out cards and then get to yours and just walk on by. It would make me feel left out, and the people I work with for those two and a half days a week have hearts. They are not monsters. They do not wish to see me suffer. This meant I got some cards. It didn't mean I went out and brought any of my own (see above about not being very emotionally stable.) Had I brought cards I would have felt an unstoppable urge to write some mildly cruel jokes in each and every one, specially aimed to get a reaction out of the person I was giving it to. That's how I bond with people, you see. I say something nasty about them and if they laugh and don't run off crying I know that I can get away with it again and that there is at least a small chance we could grow to be friends. If people can accept that I am a sarcastic prick, then friendship can blossom. But when you need money to pay rent and bills and buy food and nice looking things in the Topman sale you cannot risk something like this backfiring. I can't say something cruel to the people I work with in case they don't laugh and they do run off crying because that would be frowned upon and not only would I not gain any extra friends but I would also be told that such behaviour was not acceptable in the work place and would I mind awfully not coming in on Monday.
In short, I didn't buy anyone a Christmas card.
Of the ones I received, both from work and not, I noticed a trend; couples writing cards together.
"To Ash," they would say, as a card to me should say, "Merry Christmas and all the best for the New Year. Love blah and blah."
The first thing I noticed was that the word "love" might have been a bit strong. But beggars can't be choosers, so I plan to hunt those people down and propose as soon as I get back off my holiday. Then my brain got to thinking that this whole couple thing couldn't be reciprocated even if I were to make the effort of buying cards. I'd have to make someone up. I'd have to lie and then I'd have to back the lie up with further lies and then people would find out I was lying and they'd think I was weird. I can't be doing with that.
The evening of my last day of work before Christmas meant I was visiting family. This usually only means one thing: I am going to be quizzed.
Questions will include some, if not all, of the following:
* How is your job?
* How is your Masters?
* How is your flatmate?
* What are you going to do after your job?
* What are you going to do after your Masters?
* Have you got a girlfriend?
* Why not?
* Are you sure you're not gay?
* Would you like a drink?
I can only answer one of those questions, really. As it happened I wasn't thirsty. The rest were/ are a mystery to me. But the one that relates to the title of this post (and will aid with continuity) was, alas, the issue most hotly debated. My elderly aunties always tell me that I am a lovely looking lad and any girl would be proud to be seen with me. My elderly aunties don't know me very well at all. My gran will say I am such a nice young boy, and while my gran does know me quite well she is also approaching 80 years old and has lost a lot of her common sense. But to them it seems just plain silly that a man of nearly 22 years of age is not yet settled down, is not yet in a relationship and cannot give them a proper answer as to why.
Apparently I am bad at changing the subject in conversation, so the flow of the topic continued. I was asked, as if it would help, what my type of girl was. I was then asked again if I was sure I wasn't gay. I ignored the second question and probably said "I'm not really sure," to the first. And that could be just it. Just the reason why, if I were to buy Christmas cards, they would just say "From Ash" at the bottom, unless I went down the previously mentioned route of making someone up.
Occasionally I think I see something in someone I like. I think they do something that makes me grow fond of them or pushes me more in their direction. More often than not they will follow that up with something that puts me off completely, or if that doesn't happen, just straight up reject me. That seems unfair, the second one. It takes a lot for me to genuinely like someone, so you should be happy about that and not reject me at all. Stop rejecting me, it's bloody Christmas! It's the time for good will!
I think, if rejection can be avoided (and it should. Ask my gran. She will give me a glowing recommendation.) that I would be quite happy to end up with someone just like me, only with less facial hair and better legs.That is what my type is. Me. You can't easily say that to people as it makes you look arrogant, so I don't. But deep down I think I might be the solution to all my one named card signing problems. I need a female Ash.
I've thought I've found one, once or twice. I've been certain that they've had all my good traits and none of the many bad ones and they would be be perfect. Then, well, they've rejected me.
Admittedly the plan is far from finalised just yet.
Maybe by next Christmas, by which stage I'll be nearly 23 and my family will be convinced I am a homosexual.
Great.
