A Beginner's Guide to Doing Nothing

In the past I often allowed myself too much free time. This caused problems. When I have nothing to do my mind inevitably wanders. I will over think, over complicate and over concern myself with every little detail of my life but, due to the nature of the beast, will do nothing about it, leaving it to fester and grow until my mind is full of nothing but. I will analyse everything I say, every move I make, every reaction I receive. I will ultimately let myself get carried away with things that otherwise would be nothing more than a tiny moment amongst a day of far greater things to occupy myself with.

Unfortunately I currently find myself in just such a situation. I hang precariously between the end of one life and the beginning of another, not knowing how exactly the second part of that plan will play out. Currently all I can do is sit and wait. My hands yearn for something to do, my brain longs to tell them just what, but there is nothing. I can write, so I do write, but subconsciously my writing grows more and more fractured and bitter as something that before I would have found so comforting offers me yet further aggravation. I delete and rewrite, I screw up and throw away. I spend hours thinking about one little thing before deciding it's rubbish after all and giving up. This very blog post has already been closed and started from scratch three times, when normally it would be finished and saved within a matter of minutes.

Alas, deciding what to post on a barely read blog (I'm guessing 20 people, max, will look at this. You stars.) is the least of my self proclaimed issues. Choosing what I eat for breakfast, too, can take a back seat. I find myself questioning my judgement on people, on emotions relating to those people I previously thought were concrete. There's a good chance I've gone from loving you to hating you to loving you again in the space of the past few days, through no fault of your own, rather my own indecision when I have so much time to to be decisive. I'm not productive, either, when I have no direction on what I should produce. Before when I had a lot of work to do I used writing as a break away from it, now all I have to do is write I long for a chance to do some A3 billboard ads, which I can promise you I have never wanted to do before.

September cannot come quickly enough. Albeit my friends will have moved on by then, and I will be left largely in a pit of misery and self loathing induced by having to prove I'm funny to a whole new bunch of people, a task which never seems to go well on first sighting. But at least I will have something to take my mind off it. I'll have something to aim for. I need to set myself some targets, some missions to complete, else before I know it I will literally have watched every box set I own and drank so much tea I turn into a pot.

It's a rapid decline, I need a distraction from it.