The other night I managed one whole hour; something of a luxury. I remember being awake at 5:45 (my clock shines the time onto the ceiling) and then my alarm went off at 7. I think I was asleep for some period between then, but I can't be sure.
This morning I woke up at 10:30. A much needed lay in, at least it would have been had I not only returned home at 3 in the morning. Admittedly this was my fault given my decision that going out would be a good idea, however the ensuing "laying wide awake over thinking every aspect of my life" seems like an unfair burden that my mind should have to carry.
I can't actually remember the last time I had a decent night's kip. This lack of recollection is likely partly down to how little sleep I've had, but I can say with a certain degree of confidence that it's been at least 2 years since I slept for longer than five hours more than once a week. I never, without fail, manage to fall asleep before 3am, no matter how long I've been lying in bed for.
When my alarm beeps I'm alert. I get up, get ready, go. However by the time I've got where I'm going that initial energy has long since faded and I'm left to cling on to the remaining strands of the day with the use of coffee and the knowledge that if I mess the day up it could result in me being stuck in this pit of occasional misery for a lot longer than I intend to be.
Recently a few key parts of my life have improved dramatically, with friends sprouting up who I hope to keep by my side for a long time to come. Alas, the niggling worry that they actually can't stand me is always lingering in the shadows of my psyche and the afore mentioned lack of sleep only adds to the stress that such unprecedented concerns stack upon me.
I'd love just to have a few days rest in which I can actually do just that. Just a few nights of decent dreaming, decent shut eye. I don't see how such a hope can ever turn into reality when I find it near impossible to shut my mind off. If only there were a switch.
My thoughts are slowing down. My confidence is hiding away more often because it's too tired to show it's face.
I can't even think of a decent way to end this blog post.
Imagine I have thought of one.
Imagine this is it.