Today I got possibly my favourite ever spam email. I'm going to analyse it using words.
The original email text will be in black. My comments will be in red, like a stern teacher's.
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LETTER OF COMPENSATION/SETTLEMENT.
The title is in capital letters, meaning it's important. I've no idea what I'm being compensated for given I've done nothing, ever, but I'm not one to turn down money. Onwards!
We hereby wish you and your family the best of prosperity. They'll be chuffed to know that.
This letter will definitely be amazing to you because of it's realistic value. I am amazed by things that are realistic. Weird that you'd have to point the realism out though, like you expect me to doubt it or something. Sorry for the inconveniences that was rendered to you in your line of Inheritance Payment transaction with some impersonators some while ago. Those flaming impersonators. I know that this letter will hit you by surprise, but firstly I will like to introduce myself; I am (Justice Mustapha Akanbi, the Legal chairman of "ICPC", (Nigeria's Anti-Fraud Unit).On the 1st of October 2000, the former President of The Federal Republic of Nigeria (Chief Olusegun Obasanjo) introduced a Commission named the "ICPC", (Nigeria's Anti-Fraud Unit) which is duly registered under the United Nations (UN).
Right, let's give that paragraph the attention it deserves. For a start, why introduce yourself with brackets? "Hello, my name is (Ash). That's odd. But we can forgive that because this guy has a FANTASTIC name. Justice (strong) Mustapha (similar to the Lion King) Akanbi. Brilliant. He's also a Legal chairman and is chummy with the president of Nigeria. Weirdly he doesn't know his name, which is actually Goodluck Johnshon. That, too, is a fantastic thing to be called.
This particular Commission was initiated to detect fraud/funds delay/impersonation of Government Officials. It hasn't detected itself, which is surprising. Secondly, we are mandated by the US Government to Settle foreign debts/fraud victims/UN-paid beneficiaries to satisfactory in other to maintain peace in the world at large and also to create a good relationship with the international bodies. They're doing this for world peace. Yay for them! Suddenly I feel bad for doubting them as world peace is a pretty important deal. Presently, we are being paid by the American government in other to avert beneficiary funds delays/fraud here in Nigeria.
So far in this present year, we have settled the likes of (Mrs. Debbie Hargrove, Mr. Micheal Wagner etc). Oh, those guys. Well if you've helped them then you must be able to help me. I'll ring Debbie later and ask if it's worth it. You are being contacted today, because your Case File (A) is the very first File on our Settlement Files Cabinet. One of the perks of your surname beginning with B and your forename beginning with A. It more than makes up for having to sit at the front of GCSE maths. From our Intelligent investigations and Probing processes we discovered that you are a victim of fraud/funds delay.
The "ICPC", is faithfully under my governance as the Legal Chairman of the great Commission and to this Authority I took an oath of allegiance to settle all fraud victims peacefully. Okay, so Justice took an oath of allegiance and did some intelligent investigations. All the evidence stacks up to him being a good, solid individual.
This Memorandum is to notify you that you will be settled by the Nigerian Government from our initial Deposit Account. Your settlement will be actualized within 3 working days after your response to this Official Letter.
For further clarification/investigation kindly send the below information to us immediately:
1. Your residential address and full name Seems legit.
2. Mobile and fax number (for regular official contact). As if they still use fax! Wow, get with the times. They just emailed me so faxing must just be for, I don't know, fun?
3. Your inheritance funds value. ALL OF THE MONEY. I'D LIKE TO INHERIT IT ALL.
4. Amount which you have lost previously. Oh, they'll suss out I was lying now, won't they? They're clever, these Nigerians. I guess you don't get to be part of the ICPC if you're not.
These above-mentioned information's (this bad grammar is the first clue they might be messing me about) will officially enable us to carry out our verification processes and after that your compensation sum/Inheritance Funds will be Electronically wired into your designated Bank account or through a Diplomatic Delivery Service, depending on which mode you prefer. Your immediate compliance to this will expedite actions on your Payment because here in this office, we have a lot of listed victims to be settled. Well if you're busy I wouldn't want to hold you up. I've got stuff to do too and I know how tiresome waiting around for emails can be.
Officially Signed,
Justice Mustapha Akanbi,
Chairman ICPC Nigeria.
Powered by Information Communication Technology Dept., (C) 2013 ICPC Nigeria, registered trademark.
To summarise, I am about to be incredibly rich.
