To prevent that dystopian future, here is a handy guide as to what social media things are not cool to do in reality. Please don't do them. Please.
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| None of it's real, Truman. |
Do we all remember when the favourite feature didn't exist on Twitter? They were good times. If someone liked something you'd tweeted they could either reply to it or retweet it and help with your ambition to become just as Twitter famous as One Direction. But now the favourite button kills that dream. It's only just palatable online so don't take it out into the streets else people will probably hate you.
2. Repeating things people say.
By all means retweet every single tweet I write, but if you start parroting me in reality we'll end up spending less time together.
3. Commenting on stuff.
I put my thoughts online because I want to encourage engagement. I say my thoughts in the real world in the hope you'll just accept that occasionally I'm an idiot and won't resort to physical violence or calling me out on my stupidity.
4. Following people.
Not. Cool.
5. Saying people are good at things you've never seen them do.
You know when strangers endorse you on LinkedIn and you're like, 'What? You've never seen me do any of these things. Thank you for being kind but it's a little bit weird.' Well imagine that, but with actual real people. 'Hey Ash, you're really good at doing unicycle tricks.' Thanks, but how do you know? Are you watching me? Are you in my garden? Get the hell out.
6. Poking.
'Someone who didn't speak to you at school has just poked you on Facebook.' Strange. But, 'Someone who didn't speak to you at school has come round to your house, somehow got inside and poked you,' is stranger. Buy better locks.
7. Showing your friends all the terrible pictures of you.
I know I look rubbish on nights out. I know that the stupid face I pulled was funny at the time but we were all drunk then and now, in the horrifying light of sobriety, I look like a moron. But we can all laugh at this on Facebook because you all look awful too but if you make an album of all these photos and go round to people's houses then we'll have to have words.
8. Talking about all the bad TV you're watching.
All your tweets about Eastenders or Homes Under The Hammer are alright because it's nice to have diversity and, to be fair, the people who complain about those types of tweet are more annoying than the people doing them. But while I can cope with the multitasking required to read those tweets and watch my TV at the same time, I cannot cope with actually engaging in a conversation with you. Yes, those people did get a bargain with that former miner's two bed mid-terrace, but I will find this out for myself on iPlayer tomorrow.
9. Sharing your farm with people.
I really like sheep and goats and cows and chickens and if I actually had a farm that would be awesome and you would all get free milk and eggs. But I'm not going to actually invite you to work on that farm with me, those animals are mine and I don' trust what you would do with them. Get your own alternative lifestyle.
10. Inviting everyone to events even though they say every week they can't come.
*Someone you don't really know has invited you to JAGER ROCKS at some club you've never been in.* Really? Because they invited me to the same thing last week and the week before that and all other weeks ever and I've never actually been. Just clicking no is easy enough, but actually having to shout no in someone's face would make me feel bad. But seriously, no. Stop inviting me.
Now you all know you can make sure you're not overstepping any boundaries.
I'd hate for the real world to reject you because you're acting weird.