How to: Write a 'how to' guide that doesn't make me want to rip my eyes out.

Yesterday I read a 'how to' guide that made my soul write a suicide note, climb out of my ear and jump to the merciless ground below. You might think that this was an overreaction on my soul's behalf, but this wasn't just a one off experience. This was merely the tipping point of a long line of 'how to' posts that didn't really teach me or my soul anything of value and there's only so long someone can cope with that kind of treatment, you know?

So without a soul, please forgive me if it's evident, I'm not going to teach any potential 'how to' writers 'how to' write something a lot better.

He is a guru. You are not.

First of all...
It really helps if you know what you're talking about. One guide I read was about how to do something in Photoshop and step 1 was to read a different tutorial. The second tutorial didn't exist. It was a bit of a letdown and I spent the rest of the day weeping.

Then, yeah...
Your tutorial will already exist. Someone else will have already written '5 tips to make your cat love you back' but that shouldn't deter you. Go ahead, write your own, but it has to be different. Use some pictures, tell a joke, film a video. Give suckers like me a reason to carry on breathing.

Following that...
Don't state the bleeding obvious. This incredibly useful copywriting guide is really funny and written by a guy who I've heard is pretty attractive. I'm not sure how much you'll learn about copywriting from it but that was secretly a ploy all along to convince you to hire that person to do the work for you instead. He's a sly one.

It's also important...
If you're going to call yourself something ridiculous like a guru then you better be bloody impressive else you'll just look like an idiot who fancied a different job title. Unfortunately the job title 'guru' is now so overused that you're basically the same as everyone else and unless you actually do know guru levels worth of information I'm going to struggle to trust you ever again.

Finally...
Your 'how to' guide should mirror your personality. You aren't going to get more views than the Mashable version of the exact same post, so try and stand out a little to impress the people who do look. Imagine you're going on a date with a girl/ guy who previously went out with Ryan Gosling/ Frankie from The Saturdays. You aren't going to be better looking than them so you have to be memorable for other reasons.

I've got faith that you can do it, I fully believe you don't have to write something that will make the replacement soul I buy from the soul shop want to go the same way as my original soul. Come on, please. I can't afford this lifestyle.