"If somebody crosses me it's game over."
"When it comes to business I am the complete package. When it comes to sales I am the best."
"I'm an old head on young shoulders."
These are just a few of the cliches being dished out by the candidates this year as they aim to impress Lord Sugar (formerly Surallen) and win a big chunk of money and the chance to put something nice on their CV. That's all well and good, but I know what you're thinking: Do I need a cliche in order to be as good as they are? Well yes, yes you do. Without a business-like metaphor to describe yourself you're nothing but an ordinary, bog standard person destined for life on the streets stinking of cheap cider and vomit. Sorry about that. But don't fear, I am here to help. I'm going to share the formula for the perfect Apprentice cliche so that you too can be an ultimate career driven robot like them. You can thank me when you're rich.
STEP 1. YOUR ANGLE.
Your angle is important. Do you want to make out you're superhuman or simply imply that everyone else is a bit crap? Maybe you want to try an X-Factor style sob story or win Sugsy over by saying you've been working since you were a fetus, selling all the losing sperm holiday packages in another womb.
Whatever you choose make sure it's not something that can come back to kick you in the balls later. One guy said he was like Napoleon, which was silly given how he died. You don't want to die in business.
STEP 2. SELL IT.
Just saying that "your effortless superiority will take you all the way" won't convince anybody, you have to back that message up. What makes you effortlessly superior? What have you done to prove that point? What will you do to make sure everyone knows it? You can't simply wait and see if your performances convince people; you have to convince them with your very first words on the show. For example, effortlessly superior guy lists one of his passions as 'knowledge.' If you're passionate about knowing things you can't go far wrong.
STEP 3. COMPARE YOURSELF TO SOMEONE FAMOUS.
Napoleon was rubbish, but Albert Einstein and Jessica Rabbit are both viable options. Whoever you decide upon make sure they're well known enough so that you seem like the biggest possible cock. Saying you're like someone genuinely successful but who is pretty unheard of to the general public won't work because then how the hell are we supposed to judge you? It's not possible. This thing works both ways.
Now we've learnt the formula, let's recap.
Angle + Sell It + Someone Famous = Success.
You're a communications magician who once chatted up Lindsay Lohan before she had problems and you're a lot like Elvis.
Go forth and win.