Monday, 1 April 2013

A weekend spent looking at things.

When I lived in London I grew to think it was a bit of a horrible place. The people there were all angry, the air there was all full of smoke and the bikers there didn't understand the meaning of a red light. (They were in a rush, you see, so it's totally fine for them to break the law and cause a crash. Nothing wrong with that at all.) But now I don't live there anymore going back seems like more of a treat. I think it helps that I don't have to fill in endless Excel spreadsheets all the time or spend Monday mornings trying to convince designers that they really wanted to create some Facebook pictures for me. It also helps that, this time, I went there with a friend. Yay! What follows is a photographic guide to what we did there accompanied by some hilarious commentary. I can sense you're all excited so please proceed.

This is a picture of a tree. It had blown over a little bit but was still standing up which made me admire it for trying its absolute best to go on. Well done, tree.

This was the first time I had ever seen a bird in the capital because usually the sky is too full of pollution to see anything. Unfortunately the only reason I could see this bird was because the pollution had made it incapable of flight and had lead to some weird looking feet and a general lack of enjoyment of life. Bless.

This is my friend hiding behind a tree because she half expected me to write a blog about us being there and didn't want to be shamed in front of the entire internet. Fortunately for her the entire internet doesn't read my blog. Unfortunately for her those that do now think she has blossom for a face. 

This is a squirrel. Unlike the bird this animal hadn't been destroyed by fumes and still found day to day existence a fairly pleasant thing. It was probably young. It'll learn. 

In Kew Gardens there is a big spiral staircase that makes the whole place look a little bit like a hideout for a James Bond villain. We didn't find any bad guys but we did find a lot of Asians posing with peace signs in front of it. Why is the peace sign so popular for Asians? Why do they feel the need to do it in all their photos? The only possible answer is that this spiral staircase used to be a violent war criminal, in which case it's fine and such posing should carry on to make a strong political point.

This lamp is moody and I think at the time the photo was taken we were quite moody too because we'd gotten ourselves horribly lost. Whoever designed the maps app for HTC phones needs a change in career because they did a horrible job and made it think we were in Australia, which we weren't.

It turns out we'd inadvertently wandered into the depths of Hell where this man was playing a tuba with FIRE COMING OUT OF IT. We didn't put any change in his hat out of fear he was probably evil.

When we eventually escaped Hell we found ourselves in the London Aquarium where this weird looking eel was just sitting there waiting for food to float into his mouth. It was incredibly lazy and should probably be used as some sort of metaphor for the majority of people on benefits or something. Except, you know, most people would like to find a job, this eel just couldn't be bothered.

Here I am acting totes brave in front of the shark tank. What you gonna do, sharks? You gonna eat the glass then eat me? Nah, thought not. 

Here my friend is touching a starfish inappropriately. She has since received a visit from the police and a warning that if she ever goes within 100 feet of that starfish again she will be arrested, which seems fair.

No-one touched this alligator because it was terrifying and also far too cool to be stroked by a mere human. Is it an alligator or is it a crocodile? Someone put some damn research in before I start writing these blog posts or I'll just end up looking like a fool!

Get a room. 'We're in a room!' You're in a room made of glass! 'That isn't our fault!' Shut up, you disgust me.

We left the fish and got lost again but I won't fill your lives with that misery, instead I'll finish by showing you a picture of a carousel and saying that it was such a proper lovely weekend that it almost made me forget about everything bad in the world and I recommend you all have such a weekend for yourselves.