Tweet something better, please.

In the past few years the news has got lazy and basically relied on Twitter to do its job for it. That's fair enough, most of the time, because Twitter is a buzzing hive of activity. Twitter is like that film 'Bee Movie' because it's entertaining and full of things happening and occasionally funny even if a little bit forced. You can find anything out on Twitter, anything at all. From what your favourite celebrity looked like as she was thrown out that club last night to how the Chinese economy is fairing up it's all available for your perusal. Exciting. But occasionally Twitter does not live up these high expectation it has placed upon itself and thoroughly lets you down with a timeline full of shit that you'd really rather never of had the misfortune to look at. 

Sometimes I find myself unfollowing repeat boring tweet offenders, but often it can be difficult to spot them. Maybe they're normally thrilling but are just having an off week? Here's the sort of tripe you should be looking out for to weed the genuinely boring people out and get rid of them before eventually they get rid of your enjoyment of life.

Please try harder before I kill.

1. Food.

I get that sometimes the food you are eating is so exciting that you just HAVE to share it will all of your friends. I get that now Twitter offers photo filters to make your images look just like they do on Instagram it must be very tempting to think it's appropriate to share these photos here. But what I don't get is WHY YOU THINK ANYONE ELSE WILL CARE?!?!? Unless you're eating food that is brought to you on fire or you've had to pick it yourself to be killed specially I can promise not a single person will have the smallest amount of interest in what you're about to put in your mouth. Keep it to Instagram where it belongs. 

2. Cats.

Cats are lovely, I like them. I like to stroke them and play with them and talk to them like they're human beings and I imagine if I had one I would take a lot of photos of it and go 'aw!' But what I wouldn't do is force you to look at every single one. There ought to be a monthly limit of two cat photos and those photos ought to have to be bloody amazing to pass the bar. If your cat is wearing a hat and looks a little bit like a human adult then fantastic! Share that with everyone! But if your cat just looks like a cat then that ain't very exciting because I can just Google that if I ever feel the urge.  

3. I'm hiring!

Finding jobs via Twitter is fantastic. If you search for the right things and follow the right people you can find a whole host of potential careers or freelance jobs. I've done it myself. But what isn't fantastic is when that's all a person ever talks about, as in: they're a recruiter. You've probably all been followed by a recruiter or two when you've used the word 'job' or 'work' in a tweet but what you should never do is be tricked into following them back. Recruiters are soul sapping, blood sucking creatures that just want you to make them look better and if you give them the chance they'll kidnap your mind and rape it. Don't let them in.

4. Whether you're having a nice time.

Bad day? Boyfriend troubles? Can't find your scarf? OH WELL. You're an online performance act and when you talk about this, no, I am not entertained. Keep your issues to yourself because, after all, they are YOUR issues. Not mine. Not anyone else's. Of course if I have stolen your scarf or are the cause of your bad day or, God forbid, am your boyfriend, feel free to moan about me. But please do it to me directly and not in the form of a subtweet as that would effectively make you a prick.

Everything else is fine.