I have a habit of leaving things until the last minute. For example, when I was diagnosed with diabetes the doctor told me that if I'd left it just another few days I could well have died. He then told me I couldn't eat cake and I spat in his eye (metaphorically) and kicked him in the groin (in my mind) and then killed his wife (for real. She struggled but it was to no avail.)
There are other, less extreme examples. Work is probably a fairly common one. "Ash, read this book by next week" they will say, and I will buy the book, leave it by my bed for the next six days and then panic scan it during my lunch break. I am quite good at blagging it though, so it all works out OK.
I also tend to leave it too late before I ask a girl out for a drink. Not that I'm implying if I'd asked them earlier they'd have said yes, because often the answer is, "I think you're a bit of a tit, so no."
Once there was a bird dying in the garden and I watched it for a little while with interest. By the time I'd told my Mum about it, the neighbour's cat had eaten it's afternoon snack.
I worry that something similar may be happening again, and it relates to the very thing I am using right now. Should a laptop sound like a car revving it's engine when you turn it on? It shouldn't, should it? I would like to say I don't rely so heavily on my ancient Dell Inspiron that if it were to explode I'd still be able to get by without it. But that would be a lie. Imagine if I added the following words to the section of my, say, LinkedIn profile that tells the world I am a freelance copywriter: "Ash Billinghay. Freelance Copywriter. Creates a variety of multi-platform copy for a range of companies both UK based and internationally. Experienced in both short and long copy and is skilled in writing in a multitude of styles. Has no working computer, all copy will be produced in the handwriting of a mentally slow six year old."
I am not flooded with offers of work as it is, but such a revelation would surely reduce the drip to none. That, and I have no ability when it comes to expressing emotions the way normal people do, ie: talking about them. No, I cannot do that. If ever I feel something (God forbid, that would make life scarily real) I turn it into a hate filled rant on here. Or I tweet resentment to a celebrity. Or, my favourite, I "like" my unstable friend's Facebook status declaring he is now no longer in a relationship. Sometimes I even comment with a capital "LOL."
Then I don't feed my gerbils for a while and I feel a lot better.
Long story short, if my laptop does explode I will have to grow a heart.
Society, it is in your best interests to buy me a Mac.
