It’s confusing sometimes when our eyes meet. I can still see the glint, the sparkle, the happiness that once found residence, but now it is murky. It’s hiding behind the despair and anger that has since moved in. To get a better look I’d have to move in closer, but closer is no longer an option. The eyes turn away from me as mine open wider in naïve anticipation of the moments that we used to share rising up again. They never do. As I recoil away, once again clutching the flailing strings of my heart, I understand why it has happened. I know I deserve nothing more and in reality I’ve gotten off lightly. If those other eyes belonged to me they would never again glance upon my face. The acid sting inflicted on them all that time ago would still burn, still lick. I would do my best to avoid a repeat performance. It pains me to say that the longer the glances still happen the more hope grows in my soul. I tell myself not to let it, I tell myself I’ll only end up feeling like I feel every night all over again, but it’s irresistible. The temptation that maybe, just maybe, there’s still something there. It draws me in, it takes hold of my intelligence and replaces it with the possible joy of a fool. My mind rattles the bars of my skull’s cage in a desperate attempt to break free and not be privy to this pathetic performance all over again. Blood pumps excitedly around my veins. We’ve all made this trip together before, only back then it ended better. Now it ends the way it will always end; my heart sinking back reluctantly into its seat. My brain adopting a smug position, looking down on all those lesser-informed organs in a manner that says it knew it would go wrong all along. My lungs let out a deep, long sigh. The hair that frames the eyes moves elegantly in the gust my rebuffed longing creates. The eyes look firmly away.
I can still see it, the glint, the sparkle and the happiness. It’s still there, somewhere. Just now it responds only to the call of another. Now it only serves as a cruel reminder of what was once there to be had between it and I. I know I shouldn’t let myself get drawn in. The water is cold and I’d be better off staying above ground, but as the eyes reach out to me I am helpless but to take their hands and take the plunge.
One look could take me over mountains. One subtle look and I would fetch back the moon. It would be an unwelcome gift, a fact that I must learn to accept else live every day in this pit of self- enforced despair.
It’s confusing sometimes when our eyes meet.
It’s confusing why I must feel such misery just because one day, when I was quite busy, I forget to feed you, gerbil. But your grudge is as long as your tail, so it’s a misery I cannot escape from.