Today I learnt that I don't really know how to talk to teenagers. This isn't something I would have the opportunity to learn during most other days of my life, as I often avoid teenagers at all costs out of fear they might put a hoody on and abuse me with their troublesome language. But today I didn't have the option of running away; today I had to sit and face it. I had to sit and talk to a teenager.
What became more shocking (yes, it's possible) is that the teenager in question was on work experience and probably wouldn't try and mug me at all. I mean, we're in an office and there are other people here; you'd need guts to mug someone in that kind of situation. And surely someone on work experience wouldn't wear a hoody on their first day? By the end of the week when you've realised that work experience doesn't matter, sure, but today he'd no doubt be smart.
This left me with a problem. If he would be smart and unlikely to mug me, my normal method of communication with teenagers (using the words: No, don't do that! Get away from my house! I just want to go into Tesco Express! I used to be just like you, honest!) would be of no use to me. I would have to adapt my approach, and this caused me nothing but the most unimaginable fear.
When he arrived he was, as I'd worried he might be, dressed impeccably. While I was sitting in a pair of near luminous green jeans and a black shirt that made me look like a form of dessert, he was wearing a neatly pressed SUIT with a tie that MATCHED and he didn't look RIDICULOUS at all. I felt very out of place. His hair all went in one direction too, whereas mine likes to stand up at all different angles and encourages birds to nest in it. He spoke well, using words that didn't make me think I was going to get stabbed and instead made me think he wanted to learn about my job. This also caused me nothing but the most unimaginable fear.
For twenty minutes I upped my game and dazzled him with a detailed explanation about everything I do. I taught him phrases like 'tone of voice' and 'SEO', and made him think that I was really quite important. Important enough, even, to get away with wearing these jeans. Unfortunately I had his company for longer than 20 minutes, a whole hour and twenty five minutes longer in fact. It all started to go downhill.
As he got up to leave I realised that I had filled this boy's impressionable young mind with stories that he didn't want to know about, such as what I was going to have for dinner and how Facebook insights worked, but also much worse things that involved me pretending to be down with the kids. Using the words 'down with the kids' was probably my greatest crime, followed closely by 'So, GCSE's, eh?' and 'Did you see the game the other night?' despite there having been no football on in ages. To his credit he said he had seen the game and we blagged a ten minute conversation about how good it had been.
One day that boy will go on to achieve things in his life. He will not look back at today as something that helped those things happen.
