I can:
Teach gerbils circus skills.
Mimic whale song.
Talk with the animals.
Walk with the animals.
Turn wine into water (actual fact, only it's not drinking water...)
Turn back time.
Find a way.
Make old people whole heartedly believe they have the legs of a kangaroo.
Make said old people attempt to use their kangaroo legs to jump over dangerous obstacles.
Delight, astound and amaze 1 person in every 12.
Largely disappoint the remaining 11.
Play the cornet to a grade 3 level.
Sing in ultrasound.
Make heartbreaking, awful moments of despair into inappropriate jokes.
Lose friends quickly.
Charm a girl into thinking I'm ok before ruining those ideas after half an hour of speaking to her.
Attract gay men.
Fail to get rid of that attraction no matter how hard I try.
Reach the top shelf.
Work as Gok Wan's stunt double.
Make excellent mash potato.
Eat a pack of Rich Tea biscuits in 10 minutes.
Sing the Glee theme tune at the perfect moment at the end of the show.
Convince people I am good at something.
Prove them stupid for believing it in the following 30 seconds.
Bowl half decent leg spin.
Lie.