So now you know why I'm up I'm sure you're dying to know why I'm bothering to type anything when I haven't yet done enough during the day to warrant tales of it. In fact all I have done so far is eat some toast, take some pain killers and pull my neck whilst choking on some coffee. Hardly novel material, is it? It's unlikely to make it into my autobiography. So instead of boring you with stories of that ilk I decided to do something I don't often do on here and write about something you might actually be interested in. I have to do it quite a lot for the magazine I write for, because I suppose students couldn't really care less about my life exploits and if they were all I ever wrote about I would quickly be dethroned from my perch as Deputy Features Editor. I capitalised that on purpose, to make it seem more important.
The thing you might care about in question: The BBC drama "The Deep." If you haven't seen it then you've missed out on some of the most appalling script writing since the first draft of The Bible, when Adam was 30 and still living with his parents and Eve was played by Jennifer Aniston and was tasked with helping him "fly from the nest." Stupid plot. Never made it past the publishers.
Anyway, the idea of The Deep is a fairly interesting one before you discover just how terrible a job of it they have made. A group of science boffs including James Nesbit and Minnie Driver (ahahaha, Minnie Driver) go on a submarine and see if they can find out what caused another submarine to apparently disappear, costing the lives of all that were aboard it. One of these people was Nesbit's wife, and thus the stage is set. This sounds exciting, doesn't it? I wonder what will happen. James Nesbit is a good actor, he only ever does good, edgy stuff (and Yellow Pages ads) so this will surely be worth watching. If his name isn't enough to draw you in then let me once again refer you to the case of Minnie Driver (hahaha, Minnie Driver). She's an international superstar, having been in the likes of Will and Grace and, er, (quick Ash, IMDB) oh, Good Will Hunting too! Yet again another guarantee that this will be good. They wouldn't have done it other wise, would they? They don't need the money or the fame, so I am definitely going to be safe knowing that the following 5 episodes will be well thought out and brilliantly written by people who I'm fairly sure are paid a lot of money for their efforts.
I still am fairly sure they're paid a lot of money, but now having watched all 5 episodes I'm a lot less sure why. The Deep had about as much drama and intrigue as the Beatles classic "Yellow Submarine" and in fairness would probably have gone down a lot better had it only been that long as well. The plot was stupid, the acting wooden and the writing laughable. I like things that make me laugh but it helps when this is done on purpose. If the writers of The Deep had done that on purpose then fair play to them! They did an excellent job and I take back any criticism I have already and am about to throw in their direction.
I'm not going to give you a full plot summary because it would be quite boring and would lack opportunity for me to make funny remarks about things, and as I'm sure you're aware by now, making funny remarks is how I get my thrills. Instead I will just raise a few key points that will do a good job of summing up just how I feel about it all. Ok?
For a start: Evil Russians. How long did it take them to think up that stereotypical and obvious idea?
Concrete submarine floors. No, really. Concrete. No wonder it didn't work.
James Nesbits lack of understanding for immediate, life threatening danger. In one episode the entire crew were reliant on him doing something very quickly, something which would save their lives. "Five minutes, Clem, (that's Jimmy's name) that's all we have!"
"Ok, yes, I am James Nesbit and I shall do this and save your lives."
-half an hour later-
"Clem, Clem are you there?" screams the annoying but not so evil Russian woman on the good guys side. "CLEM ARE YOU THERE. CLEM CLEM CLEM."
-what seems like my entire life later-
"Oh, sorry annoying Russian woman. I'm back now."
Next up is the fact that in another moment of heart wrenching peril and emotion, someone says the following words, "I love you, babe."
And finally, for now, lava bugs. The entire reason (apparently) that the submarines really went down there. They can save the world from global warming and those pesky Russians are mining them all for themselves and no-one has noticed this MASSIVE mining structure being built over the past few years. Minnie Driver (you know what to do) and that Nordic Doctor from ER have to get a sample of these lava bugs, which in itself is a stupid name to call anything serious, and take them to the surface so that the world's reliance on oil can be ended and future generations can be happy for centuries to come.
Do it then, Driver. Do it now. Stop pissing about in your submarine. No, no why have you done that?!? Why have you done any of what you have done for the past 5 weeks?!? You're so fired, Driver. I'm never putting you in charge of another submarine ever again. Or you, Nesbit, but that's fine because you're dead now after that massive nuclear explosion on that concrete submarine. Serves you right for being so relaxed about the whole thing.
In short, I could burp and a better script for a drama would pop right out of my mouth.
Yet weirdly I thoroughly enjoyed watching it, perhaps because it gave me the chance to rip it to pieces, but mainly because it gave me the hope that if dross like that can make it on to prime time television then something I write could easily become a block buster at the cinema. I feel a lot better about life now that I know this.
And how would I solve a submarine disaster? Simple. Shoot James Nesbit in the face and join the Russians. They've got it all figured out.